Why don’t I feel like having sex?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

… You wonder to yourself miserably and filled with guilt. You just faked another headache. And that excuse is now becoming as watered down as well … watered down soup.

Each time You think of sex, it’s like you don’t know what to feel about it any longer. You have concluded that something must be wrong with you because if you listen to some of your friends talking or well – also to some of the women on the internet, you are convinced your poonanny is broken.

She’s way past her service date and you have totally lost the booklet and the address to the special mechanic.

You feel so deeply guilted in the fact that your partner wants sex, but you’re as dry as the Sahara and if you listened closely you swear you can hear crickets down there. The cave of wonders is no longer answering to Abracadabra.

You sigh miserably.

“BLOODY WOMEN BITS, why won’t you work?” You annoyingly speak to your vulva, hoping that the anger and frustration will wake something up. You remain silent for a moment, waiting for an answer.

“As if my women bits could answer me”, you think sarcastically to Yourself.

If the above sounds even vaguely familiar to You, then my dearest amazing Soul, I want to let you know that You are quite frankly normal.

There are various reasons for the silence you are experiencing.

You see our arousal isn’t this isolated biological mechanism in your body that works one day and then goes quiet the next.

So it’s likely that this isn’t even hormonal. I still urge people to do a checkup. But let’s imagine that I’m writing this to You, the person that have gone for all your checkups and nothing comes back. You’re okay and otherwise healthy.

You see desire is both affected by and made up of psychological factors, relationship factors and cultural factors.

So if You’re having issues, it is very likely that the way you feel about Your body is affecting your arousal. The emotional safety and happiness levels in your relationships could be affecting You, and stress at work, and home and in various other areas could also be playing a role in keeping the “on” switch in the “off” position.

So, if you no longer feel like sex is full of pleasure and fun, then it is important that we go back to the drawing board and look at the very basics.

“Why do I not want to be intimate?”

Contrary to belief, You’re not usually horny out of the blue. Being intimate and having sex requires a bit of motivation. And that motivation could look like wanting to reconnect with Your partner, stress release, or playing with power dynamics.

Any time sex with your partner makes you feel worried or anxious, I want to urge you to take a step back and do some self examination.

Why does it make you feel anxious?

We’re not usually just horny out of the blue

We need to be motivated to have sex, whether that motivation is about getting closer to our partner, playing with power dynamics or releasing stress.

If the thought of sex with your partner makes you feel worried or anxious – take a step back and ask yourself why that is. So when You do go inwards, I want to invite you to come FROM a place of Compassion and love and softness. So don’t always reflect that You’re the one that has a problem.

The chances of that is slim.

Now if You unpack this mouse nest of emotions, feelings and so on, you may actually realize that sex now equates to stress, performance and pressure. It’s lost it’s “Oh boy”, it’s joi de vivre or it’s “I’m safe to enjoy this”, and it’s been replaced with lack and fear and anxiety and the belief you have about yourself that might not be all that supportive to You.

Chances are you’re drowning in a soup of stress from your work, from the kids, from the parents, family, friends, social media, illness, and feeling out of place in your own body.  Perhaps you might also feel that you can no longer discuss sex with your partner, and have lost touch with what turns you on as a sexual and sensual being.

Not wanting sex isn’t always about the sex

I’ve worked and spoken with so many various different people who experience little or no desire to be intimate. And most of them have tried a lot of various things to be able to experience arousal again. And then there are the few that haven’t done much, but would rather think up various creative things to avoid having sex or to be intimate.

The thing is though, avoidance means not having to say no to their partner. And most people don’t want to say no. Because what would that mean? And how would that look? And how will their partner feel? So we get our brains twisted up in various knots.

Now in most articles we usually give you some “fixes”, but there is so much more to this.

Because it’s not always just about the “fixing”, it has so much to do with the self belief you have in yourself. Do you believe you can feel desire again?

Do You truly and completely want help to resolve this? And it’s also about whether you believe you deserve great amazing sex.

It’s about whether or not you truly want to help to shift it.

It’s about whether you believe you deserve sex – great sex.

And just try this on for a moment, can you also get to the point where you can allow yourself to believe that there’s nothing wrong with You and to allow yourself to rather be soft towards yourself? To rather come from love and compassion towards yourself. 

Everyone goes through a space where they don’t want to be intimate. And that’s normal. You’re not broken if you don’t want sex.

Sex is both complex yet simple. Once you understand  yourself from a deeper more compassionate space. And you stop holding onto the titles of “I’m broken or weird”, then you’ll realize that the reasons for not wanting sex makes sense. And it’s totally okay.

Here’s one fundamental truth I want to share with You.

YOU get to decide if you want your desire back. And what you decide is totally okay. HOWEVER, if you do want your desire, I want to urge you to borrow my belief in you. That you can have your desire back. You can experience a wonderful libido again. You see it is my job to hold the vision for you. It is my job to hold the vision of your success in my mind.

Photo by Zach Vessels on Unsplash