The Victim
The sneaky little piece that keeps you stuck and spinning your wheels in the mud…
If you invited friends over and you sat on the couch and put your feet on the couch while your shoes were on, chances would be your friends would think they could do the same thing.
And this beautifully demonstrates actually how we train people around us, our family, our friends, our lovers and so on.
How we allow them to treat ourselves, they will treat us. Perfect mirror right?
If you’re prone to thinking you aren’t an equal, that you aren’t good at anything, if you’re constantly saying sorry for the fact that you have desires, or you self deprecate in any way, you’re actually handing them a permission slip, signed and dated that gives them full permission to overstep boundaries and treat you poorly.
What is very interesting is that people pick up on unsaid things. So even if you have beliefs going on that you’ve never really voiced out loud, on some instinctive level everyone around you know that you’re a target and will push your boundaries.
The one’s I hear the most from my clients are “I’m not enough”, “I can’t do/be/say ”. I feel guilt over . “I don’t believe ”, “I just don’t have the ____________ (energy, self belief etc)”, “I’m too ________”, “It’s too hard/difficult/stressful”.
Now these things act as a way to tell the brain what you want. And it’s actions are literal.
If you’re the kind of person who has been putting yourself last, then you’re teaching other’s to place your needs last too, and that their needs are more important.
I saw a client yesterday who said that she would do service swops. She would spend 3 hours with someone and then the person will give them only 20 minutes of their time, whereas they spent 3 hours as well as stock from their own business on that same person.
She trained people to do that. She offered, and people just know her as this nice person. During our session, we followed and tracked the beliefs, and it came down to her not wanting to be mean like one of her parents. Because selfish people are bad and she didn’t want to be bad like one of her parents.
But for years she was getting angrier and more resentful, burned out and exhausted. Because her cup has run empty. Because she let people take advantage of her. The sad thing here is that her kids were starting to do that same thing. So that cycle is perpetuated. She’s creating another generation of Welcome mats.
And she’s not the only woman to feel mistreated like that. Many women feel this way. Many women feel resentful, and there is this “hard – done-by” feeling follows, because they aren’t getting what they want, they aren’t being witnessed, they aren’t being seen or considered and underneath all of that there is some belief like my client’s that keeps them stuck.
And there we have it, the victim mind-set. You feel and see yourself at the mercy of external circumstances, even that of the Mercury Retrogrades. When in fact those things don’t even affect you at all. But what you’re struggling with is such a deep painful experience that your nervous system is hurting and so it feels like everything even the stars and planets are against you. You forget that you are indeed the most awesome power of Creatrix.
You have gone and given ALL of your power away, and this leaves you reliant and dependent on forces that is far beyond your control. And this is where the convenience factor comes in. Because you don’t have to take responsibility.
It’s the same thing that I hear when people say “The devil made me do it”. No, You made a stupid choice, and now you’re blaming it on the devil.
Or “I got a download”, no, you were open and in a healthy space to make a decision and to receive that creative inspiration.
Fact of the matter is, you are far more powerful than you give yourself credit for. But it’s far more convenient to give your power away to people, places, planets, situations and the past.
Anyway, I went of track a bit there… So let’s look at Victim mentality. Victims are the one’s who are mistreated and abused and that are hurt by something or someone. So the “bad” force is the perpetrator, and this is quite the dynamic. Think of the Princess (helpless Victim) in the Tower – she’s being held hostage by a dragon (perpetrator), and the dragon oppresses her, and this is necessary for them to keep doing this little song and dance.
Victims also feel that they can’t save themselves, they need the Prince(Rescuer) to save them. (Which btw is another external force saving them) The little song and dance keeps playing here.
Now please understand, I know there are people out there who were truly victimized through abuse, sexual abuse etc. But I’m referring here to romantic relationships and well I guess most interpersonal relationships.
Many people operate from a victim mind-set when it comes to their relationships, there is always a villain – so who or what have you actually labelled as the villain?
THINK “backpain, sleep issues, ex, mother, Mother-in-law, husband, addiction etc”
Okay okay, look we’re all human and we do operate from the human body, and in every person’s life there is some form of victimhood somewhere. I really suggest that you become more aware of this for yourself.
Ways we victimize ourselves is tolerating behaviours that make us feel bad, diminished, violates our dignity, makes us feel bad and reduces our self-esteem on some level.
And I want to say this loudly for you, some things are great and it means you’re a good person, but not everything is a virtue. For example tolerating the above mentioned behaviour is not a virtue and this actually enables toxic patterns between you and other people.
So, one of the things I do my best to do is to not tolerate things but to rather express my feelings. It’s not always easy, it takes a lot of guts and courage and I still don’t get it right all the time. But what I want to bring across to you is this, every wince or would – regardless of the size that you dishonour. That you ignore is actually betrayal to yourself. Because, wounds are real and they are actually sacred (When you learn from them).
You can get as angry and upset as you want at the perpetrator, but you should realize that YOU are tolerating it. YOU are betraying yourself so many times each day that You can’t count. When you do not express your needs, and you suppress your emotions you train people to betray you and themselves. Victimization only creates more victims and it’s a nasty little cycle.
The role of perpetrator and victim is actually irresponsible. BOTH of these sides are at cause and have no accountability for the results experienced.
And the thing is speak to both sides, and their stories are the same :
“I had to”.
“I had no choice”
IMO, the villain is also just another victim. It is another part that has no power at all and that handed their power away without question.
Traits of victim mind-set :
• Complaining about something and it’s something that constantly occurs
• I feel so alone, the world is against me feelings and thoughts.
• Nobody understands me
• You’re mostly resentful and angry and secretly holding grudges or finding ways to make other’s pay. EVEN reversing a role on your partner is a victim mind-set.
• You feel helpless, you feel attacked or abused and you just don’t have any reference to as to why.
• You just love to gossip about how bad other people were to you, You feel like you have to muster the “Poor you” from those around you.
• Your story and only your story is the truth.
• When you tell your story, you make sure that you look innocent and the other look bad.
• You embellish just as much as a singer on stage when they are wearing their costumes. The truth needs to be in your favour.
• You need to keep proving to other’s that you are innocent, even when you are
• You JUST LOVE it when other’s join you in the pity party and commiserate with you
• You are never ever at fault, and you can’t see that you have been co-creating the experiences you’re upset about.
• You make it very clear to all that you had nothing to do with it and it’s not your fault.
• You have this sorry for yourself attitude that can go into vindictiveness, as well as this feeling of righteousness.
• You are actually somewhat bothered when someone doesn’t apologize to you, in fact it keeps you up and it bother’s you greatly.
• You are in states of frustration, confusion, desperation, overwhelm and feeling trapped.
• Whenever someone whines, you get annoyed at them. How dare they?
• Other’s have pointed out that you act like the victim, but you just think they don’t know what they are talking about. I mean… HOW VERY DARE THEY?!
Okay so in the next part let’s look at actually exorcising the victim mindset.
I want to invite you to start to realize that YOU are the co-creator of your life, of EVERY single experience. I know it’s like a gut punch to you.
You are in fact INCREDIBLY powerful. You have this part of you the Superconscious that is so powerful it could literally change your life for the better in mere moments. I think the shortest session I ever had with a client who was utterly done with being a victim of her circumstances were 20 minutes.
However she was totally done with all the crap she was allowing and was totally committed to her empowerment.
That’s why that session went so quick. Needless to say, she is earning much more that she used to earn, has her dream body, is married to an amazing man, and her life is just pure amazing. Because she chose the Warrior and Victor and Lover archetypes over the victim.
Now, consider where in your life do you feel victimized? To give you an idea I have a little list here for you to consider.
Health
Sex
Relationships
Romantic Relationships
Sleep
Food
Drugs/alcohol
Addictions
Money
Business
Taxes
Admin
The above is just a bit of an idea for you to play with. What are each of the stories there that you carry with you? If You really want to do this properly, write the stories you have for each of those areas of your life. You should be able to very soon see what’s going on there.
The above exercise allows you to take back control and responsibility of your life. Learn to respond better to these situations.
Below is a little meditation I want to invite you to do.
So what you’re going to do is this, set up a little space for yourself where you can be left alone.
1) Then just close your eyes, and notice the sensations in your body.
2) Now ask yourself, where do I feel this “victim” inside of my body? – Normally you’ll be able to pinpoint where it’s located as the sensations would be a little louder in that area.
3) Now touch this area and address this piece of you from a space of compassion and love.
4) Now ask this piece, what do you need to turn into the Victor? It may say, I need to feel safe, loved, accepted, nourished etc.
5) Now, invite this piece into your own heart and for a moment give it what it has asked for using your own “knowing” or imagination. Welcome this piece in to your heart thanking it for trying to help and support you. And also explaining to it that there are healthier and better ways to get your needs met, and that is simply through putting out requests.
Thank this piece as you allow it to melt or integrate into your heart. Feeling love for it. Then open your eyes.
If you need to speak to a friend or partner, you can do so without making them wrong or placing blame on them. This is where it is best to use “I” statements and not “you” statements. I.e “I have been feeling really sad, because __” not “YOU MAKE ME SAD”.
6) Honor the requests from this piece as much as possible. If there is a piece of you that feels the need to be nourished, then do your best to honor this. Go for a walk, a bath, draw, sketch, sleep, massage, eating food that’s vibrant and alive etc. Maybe you feel the need for a hug, so you’ll then create an open-hearted request from your partner which sounds like this “I feel frazzled and tired and unsafe, and I would really love a hug from you please.” But I want to just say – you may make the request but your partner has absolutely no obligation to fulfil it. If you do receive the request, reframe it so you can start to see it for the amazing gift that it is.
Being able to hold yourself, self-regulate and self soothe yourself in a healthy way really helps the Victim to heal and it helps you to step into your own Victor archetype.
To your personal power
Love
Maryke
Ready to let go of the Victim and become empowered? Book here to learn how you can step into your Victor : https://hello.dubsado.com/public/appointment-scheduler/61362b145ef60c0d9884e244/schedule